I Read My Writing Like Fine Literature

I promise to post more often, but I may not keep that promise. In English, we did some writing exercises to help us write about ourselves. One of the exercises was to explain why you write and I really liked that one. Tomorrow when I find what I actually wrote I'll insert it here:

"I write for relief. I write so the long train in my head can finally have the tunnel opened rather than continuously crashing into the wall. I write to comfort myself. As though the words I am writing are not for myself, but for someone else in need. I write in case I ever lose myself and need records to relocate myself again. I write so I can be my own ear to vent to and my own shoulder to cry on. I write so messes in my head won't be messes anymore--just clean, even, frantic, too-fast thoughts on paper."

I said I write to find myself as though I could or have been lost. I've never put that thought into words, it's always been an instinctive feeling. On January 17th, 2010 I found a composition book and made it my Night Thoughts journal. It was and is still not treated as a journal, but as someo ne to talk to when all my thoughts are overwhelming me to the point where I can't sleep--hence the name. I finished that composition book full of doodles, poems, rants, theories, and a whole hell of a lot of emotion the summer of 2013 and started another right after. The dream is to have a bunch of composition books glued together to have some gigantic composition of all of my insanity. Anyway, I've read the first Night Thoughts countless times, but I still love to read it whenever I need to occupy myself. It's my own history. I go back and learn about my past self and read about my victories and hardships. I rediscover myself. I love that there are written records of so many things that mattered to me so much so that I had to write about them to get them out of my head. Everything in my Night Thoughts is private, but since I have this notion that one day I will be significant enough to have a documentary and museum, I made sure to fill in the potential audience if I had not updated in a few months. I can't imagine what it would be like if someone read it. There's some good stuff in there, but also some low points I wouldn't want to be asked about. Also some RIDICULOUSLY cringe worthy stuff. Eesh. It's just so so revealing and, based on the name of this blog, I don't think I'm a fan of being that revealing. But deep, deep down, I think I have always wanted someone to read them. Just for fun...but it wouldn't be very fun... *Sigh. The difficulty.