Problems in Receiving

It really concerns me that I have such a hard time receiving love when it is so easy for me to send it out. I feel like it's just my job to love and be there, but when someone does it back it really shocks me. It feels as though I am a ceiling fan and someone pointed a fan towards me to keep me cool. It just feels.. I want to say unorthodox, but weird feels better. Now it's not that I feel that I am undeserving of these...reciprocated actions and words. I know that I'm decent enough to get them,  but I think I've just lived by "treat others how you want to be treated" and got used to me being the only one doing any treating. Now the reciprocation is trickling in, but it feels like a waterfall. It's overwhelming because I feel like I know how to give, but not receive. Then I feel bad because I'm still trying to treat how they want to be treated but I don't think I really know how to treat in this situation! I don't know if it's because I do not have experience or if I'm just a hardened, old man who shows no emotion when someone hugs him. But the old man knows that it affected him. But the person doesn't know! Unless they feel it in their heart! But what if I make them not feel that feeling in their heart?  I'm having a reverse Whitney Houston moment -- How Will They Know That I Really Love Them? Do I just trust that I am cutting the mustard? Do they know? Oh I understand Whitney Houston so much now, just backwards. What do we do, Whitney?

Blind Dating

I think blind dates should be literal. Each person should be blindfolded. And to top it off, they should be hooked up to lie detectors. The lie detectors don't even have to be on, but the pressure of knowing you're hooked up to one should cut the mustard. Although it's a bit forceful, I think it could make people actually be honest and not as shallow. You'll actually feel whether you have a connection or not and see beyond their outer appearance. I think it would be really cool. Is it a TV show already? I think it should be one, but TV show producers always lie about things to make it more exciting. Maybe someone should have a blind dating lounge. I think it'd be a hit with some adventurous or desperate types. Maybe they could put some hidden cameras and mics somewhere too, that's how you'll get the raw blind date. It could be cute too, because you could pick up your video after you guys are married or engaged. It'd be like buying your picture after a ride at an amusement park. That'd be cool.

I wouldn't do it though. It's kind of scary to somewhat let someone see the inside rather than the outside we work so hard on. It's very raw. I think people depend on their outward appearance a little bit. They think, "okay, I'll knock 'em out with this outfit and my smile." But honest answers to questions and not seeing each other? It seems risky! It's easy for this plan to not work though because people can be shallow. What if they find this amazing person and when they take off the blindfold, the person is not too aesthetically pleasing? That would make the person choose between shallow things and a real connection. But I mean, you're not marrying the person. I think this blind date thing would only lead to another date or two. It'd be interesting. I want to witness it someday. I wouldn't participate though. Too intense.

Do You Think?

Do you think God is mad at how American culture has eliminated Sunday as being a day of rest? Americans finish school work all day on Sundays (me, oops) and still go to work sometimes. Do you think He is irritated? Do you think He's like, "I made this day a day of rest and you're just disregarding it and continuing to stress yourself out." Hmmm... but, God, I don't really like to work on Saturdays. I don't really like to work on Sundays either. Would you be happier if I rested on Sundays? Would I be happier?

Coffee

I feel like people are like coffee. It's hard to get a cup that's really perfect and it's even harder to duplicate it. This is why I don't trust Starbucks.

So. Shout out to all you wonderful cups of coffee who have just enough cream and sugar or are wonderfully bitter. Hot or iced, somebody loves you.

Peachy and Preachy

I'm a pretty religious cat. I do not shove my beliefs down your throat, I share. If you ask. I also know that most social media platforms allow me freedom to post most things so I let my devoted thoughts fly. I am chill with other religions, open minded, but am firm in my faith. Anyway, lately I've been feeling horrid. I do not feel like the same little religious Mia I was a few months ago. I feel a little disconnected with my Lord. However, I know that feeling will stop. Despite the feelings, I continue to pray. It's a bump in the road. At the moment, I feel God is baking a cake for me. I am not entirely sure of the reason for the cake, but He is. He wrote every second of my life and I'm sure He's chuckling a bit at how impatient I am being during this bit of trial and tribulation.
   It feels as though my God is taking months to bake this cake. One month, the eggs--but there are three eggs! The next month, flour, and so on and so forth. Maybe He sped it up a tad, because I feel as though He is about to put that cake in the oven! I am READY to see what this cake is for and see how it looks. I have little ideas of what it's for, but I am not certain. Sometimes, I think He drops hints.
   I am a little Mia, sitting in front of a golden, giant, Godly oven. God's sitting at His super gigantic and cool kitchen table, head in His hand,  "Kiss the Creator" apron draped over His front, chuckling at His little child. I want to know so badly, God. What is the cake for? Is it reward for trying my hardest to wait patiently for you to answer my 1,868,472,382,000 duplicate prayers? I'm trying to be patient, God. I know you have the best in store for me. You know everything about me, every hair on my head, every second of my life.
God, I like ice cream cake.

I Read My Writing Like Fine Literature

I promise to post more often, but I may not keep that promise. In English, we did some writing exercises to help us write about ourselves. One of the exercises was to explain why you write and I really liked that one. Tomorrow when I find what I actually wrote I'll insert it here:

"I write for relief. I write so the long train in my head can finally have the tunnel opened rather than continuously crashing into the wall. I write to comfort myself. As though the words I am writing are not for myself, but for someone else in need. I write in case I ever lose myself and need records to relocate myself again. I write so I can be my own ear to vent to and my own shoulder to cry on. I write so messes in my head won't be messes anymore--just clean, even, frantic, too-fast thoughts on paper."

I said I write to find myself as though I could or have been lost. I've never put that thought into words, it's always been an instinctive feeling. On January 17th, 2010 I found a composition book and made it my Night Thoughts journal. It was and is still not treated as a journal, but as someo ne to talk to when all my thoughts are overwhelming me to the point where I can't sleep--hence the name. I finished that composition book full of doodles, poems, rants, theories, and a whole hell of a lot of emotion the summer of 2013 and started another right after. The dream is to have a bunch of composition books glued together to have some gigantic composition of all of my insanity. Anyway, I've read the first Night Thoughts countless times, but I still love to read it whenever I need to occupy myself. It's my own history. I go back and learn about my past self and read about my victories and hardships. I rediscover myself. I love that there are written records of so many things that mattered to me so much so that I had to write about them to get them out of my head. Everything in my Night Thoughts is private, but since I have this notion that one day I will be significant enough to have a documentary and museum, I made sure to fill in the potential audience if I had not updated in a few months. I can't imagine what it would be like if someone read it. There's some good stuff in there, but also some low points I wouldn't want to be asked about. Also some RIDICULOUSLY cringe worthy stuff. Eesh. It's just so so revealing and, based on the name of this blog, I don't think I'm a fan of being that revealing. But deep, deep down, I think I have always wanted someone to read them. Just for fun...but it wouldn't be very fun... *Sigh. The difficulty.

Flurry Fun Number One

I say "number one" as I am sure there will be more flurries of fun to be had. The flurry consists of pieces of my week, month, life, a stray dog or two, and some houses. Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
     Shoot, I feel like there is enough flurry mess for two blog posts! Or this will just be one big thing. I don't know, we'll figure it out. I only have a map of Kansas and a sudden craving for a McFlurry.
     My week was...interesting. Fun, but the kind of fun where you push things aside in your head so you can be in the here and now. Summer feels like a distant weekend now that I am surrounded by people I have known for so long. Social interaction! It's IN and I am LOVING it.                       Anyway, people are fun, but I can't help but feel bad for the creature from the Black Lagoon sitting alone in the  back of my mind. I want to go up to it, I really do, but I'm missing some of the pieces necessary for that sort of interaction. Sigh. I feel for the little creature from the Black Lagoon because it's just a past Mia. A little past Mia who's saying, "Hey, Mia, we still haven't dealt with LAST week's problems. Why are you just going to-um? Hello?" I hear you little Black Lagoon Mia, I hear you. You practically shout at the top your lungs which leads me to think you are the cause of my recent headaches. I want to put you to rest, Black Lagoon Mia, but it is taking some TIME. Ugh. Anyway, I'm on little Black Lagoon Mia's side. We have matching jerseys.
     Jim Morrison was right. People are strange. The song's beautifully eerie melody always brought me comfort, and a bit of discomfort, as it is a nice realization that you are not alone. If people are strange and you are a person then you are strange. However, different strands of strange do not always mix, thus resulting in some painful attempts to understand why. I wish Mr. Mojo Risin's simple explanation sufficed, but, unfortunately, it does not. I have this feeling life will be a never ending series of different attempts at trying to understand people. These attempts will not always be negative. These attempts might often be aimed at myself. First things first, I don't understand why everything is so difficult and simple all at the same time. These two met on a busy dance floor with the fabulous Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract as their soundtrack.
     You can think about what you want to say to someone, what you would like to do, whatever, but rarely do people make those thoughts reality. I wonder what holds us back. Who is on each end of the rope in these tug of war battles and why are they both so strong? I don't know, but I've found it is healthy to sometimes snap the rope. Just let it bust. That was a rejected Nike logo, but it means the same thing. I will think about something for days and days and days until one day I bleed the thought dry and decide to act on it. It's kind of an interesting feeling when I act on whatever's been pestering me because it feels as though I have no thoughts in my head as I do it. Probably because I thought about the situation until it was a fine dust that could drift away peacefully in the wind to the sweet sounds of Kansas.
      However, I have noticed that there is an extremely long line of things just waiting to get into my head. So once that thought was gone and acted upon, something most likely happened that created more thoughts. Um, alright, table for seventeen?...thousand?
       I'm not too sure if this is about thoughts anymore, but what did I tell you? This is a flurry. We don't know if it's M&M's or Oreos-hell, there are Rolos now. Hold on tight.
       If I was a video game character, I would have an obnoxious amount of hearts. There are too many things that sting and damage one of my hearts. I will never be fully defeated-expert game design and cheat codes are to thank-but goodness do I fall down at times. Sending a text message and receiving no response. Half a heart blinks away its color. Feeling the distance between someone so dear to you. A few hearts have left the building. So many more things can get rid of my hearts, but those are ones that come to mind right now. Having a healthy balance of uncertainty and positivity is important. It's natural to feel uncertain and a bit worried, but I feel it is a little unnatural to push past that with positivity. Trust me, I am positive. I am quite optimistic, but sometimes honestly not knowing what to expect is stronger. I see it as a part of my brain with a void. There are no dendrite connections there so it has to be natural to be worried about not knowing what's up with something. Positivity feels like a man made tool to help you through these things. I use the tool, I don't mind it, but it can be tough at times.
       My head is still pounding. I am going to have some cereal and sit here in silence so this little Black Lagoon Mia can finally be thought away. It may take a while, but I really do want some action to come out of these thoughts.
Wish me luck on this endeavor and all of my future ones as I wish you the same.
--Mia.

Penciling Myself In

Sometimes in quick moments of alone time, like trips to the bathroom etc., I think to myself "Oh man, I need to think about that later." It feels like the person I am in brief moments of solitude is a best friend I haven't seen in weeks. It seems odd to feel like I have to set aside time to think about things to my heart's desire. What do I think about all day? Everything else but what's truly on my mind? It makes me feel as though I am trained to pencil myself in after all other important clients have been thought about. I need to find time to think about what I am thinking about in the far depths of my mind. I haven't hung out with myself in a while and it needs to happen soon.

Obligatory Introductory Bloggery

Maybe I should post a picture of something new to the world like that bit from Lion King just to jazz up this post. However, I've always been picky with my jazz so we'll keep it as it is. I think I've been meaning to start a blog. I have a Tumblr, but is that really blogging? I feel like I am in some early millennium Disney Channel original movie typing out my blog on my dinosaur-sized computer, pouring out my feelings about some dreamboat named Chad in my Bio class who just will not notice me.

ANYWAY, Dreamboat Chad DOES notice me and my shiny new blog. On a serious note, I think constantly. One time I thought to myself, "Man, my thoughts are blog posts." Tumblr is for pictures, Facebook is for quick hey-I'm-alive posts, and Twitter is a play-by-play of your day. Everything is fast. No one is looking to read a wordy Mia original so why not put it all here! I'm excited. I think this is gonna be a good time.

Eat your vegetables and take your vitamins, I will be back soon.
--Mia.