High School, Low School

I don't know what my outlook on life is at the moment. Especially when it comes to higher education. What's going on with that? How come decent people can't get into these lame schools? And how come it hurts so bad? Now, I'm one of the ones who has schools trying to get them still. It's flattering, but I know I'm just another set of good numbers to them. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Don't let some institution determine your value. YOU determine your value. All you really have is yourself so know your worth. It doesn't matter where you go. Your school name is not branded on your face, and the people who do wear their school's name like it's their skin probably only have that going for them. They think the school they went to makes them more valuable to the world. Well what about your personality? Your morals? The way you treat others? That can really determine your value. But anyway, these schools can really make you feel like the past four years of stress, tears, and work seem like a complete waste. Don't give them that much power. In those four years you learned so much and experienced more than you think. The schools we apply to do not determine our value. Do not let them make you feel like you are not valuable. Do not let the people who give these institutions the power to determine their worth make you feel like you are not valuable. You'll get to where you need to be. Rejections hurt, but you'll move past it. You'll move forward. Remember your value. Always remember how valuable you are and never allow any outside sources the power to decrease that value.

Thoughts on Teaching: 1

Math, and most other classes--but mostly math, should feel comfortable. It should feel like a close, family-type group learning together-- the teacher being a part of that group. It should not feel like there is an obvious division between the students and teacher. The teacher should not seem above everyone else in a negative way--in a I-understand-this-better-than-you-and-you'll-never-be-on-my-level way. That can make students feel like it's pointless to even ask this dude because he's just going to make you feel bad about yourself. It's like trying to compliment an extremely cocky person and them replying with "I know, you wish you were me" instead of just thanking you. So then the students go to other students for help. It doesn't matter if their peer doesn't understand the topic that well, what matters is that they're on the same level and understand what it feels like to be confused or totally lost. There's nothing wrong with going to a peer for help; it's just sad that a student may not feel comfortable enough to ask the actual teacher. Sometimes I try really hard to master the topics in math just so I can teach everyone who does not feel comfortable asking the teacher because they just make you feel dumb. Not everyone can step up and step over that dividing wall. I'm not quite sure if this is a bad trait or not, but I'm not too into invisible barriers. Just because someone is in movies or releases records or makes a lot of money or has a high level of education means they can't make contact with me? Why not? Blood circulates in both of our bodies, we both breathe, cry, eat, laugh, love, think...so what makes you so different? I try to maintain the idea that everyone is equal, no matter what you or society thinks your status is.

Anyway, schools should feel like safe communities and each of the classes/classrooms should feel like home. You should feel like your teachers are on your same level, not arrogantly above you. It's way more comfortable for me to look at you eye to eye rather than throw my head back and strain my eyes to try and see you from the top of your high horse.

Relatively Relieving Rambles

I thought I'd do an update of sorts. It's been over a month, we're quite due. Today while walking to the bathroom I saw a dandelion, the one you blow, on the ground. It was a bit stepped on and wet but the seeds that you blow were still in tact--well, a good percentage of them. It slightly stopped me in my tracks because I saw a symbol of giving up on a wish before even trying. Trying is important. But so is prioritizing your wishes...or...I dunno. Scratch that.

I plan on writing some more later...I have a headache right now. A small-ish one. I plan to have headaches a few more times this week, if I'm unlucky. My day felt like an archeologic adventure as I dug up hidden Mia things while having a conversation with one of my closest pals. It's nice to have a good, solid conversation... no matter how much your pal is practicing psychology on you. I get it though, I analyze myself quite frequently so I am not totally opposed to having a close friend do it too. There were things I just withheld. I don't like to answer things that are too revealing. Like Axl Rose said, "I like to be real private; you don't always want everyone around you - even when they like you." I took that quote and locked it in my mind forever at age nine. It just makes sense to me to be a bit more private than others. We don't live in a very private world. Sure, sometimes I'll indulge and share a juicy gem or two...but I really have to like you...and/or I really have to lose interest in that gem. Don't share what's still a bit valuable. Keep your wealth to yourself. Everyone doesn't need to know everything. Anyway, I opened up a bit. It felt splendid to put my essential question or bother into words. It's been a splattered mess inside of my head and I finally scooped it up into a decent package. From here I think I can mail it off into the land of All Things Resolved. In due time, in due time. I really do love having great conversations like that though. Knee to knee, words a flowin', emotions goin', new facets of yourself showin'...it's great. I feel a bit gluttonous to want to continue that conversation. Mostly because the main topic was Mia and I don't always feel comfortable being on the main agenda of a conversation. It makes me feel selfish and kind of full of myself. I do hope we continue our conversation though. It was really nice to just talk to someone who was genuinely listening and responding and cares. It feels like I'm going out on a limb to say "cares," but seriously, Mia, sweeten up. People have functioning hearts. It happens.

I feel a bit bored of my days before they even start, but they end up being pretty swell. I think it's just all this action making me fatigued. I'll be fine. Things are a bit shaky and weird lately, but I'm going to be optimistic about that too. It happens, man. The number one thing to remember is that people's actions are not based on you. They are based on that person's own feelings and needs and blah blah blah. So we have to stop thinking we're the reason for lame things people do because we are not. They are. It's all a product of themselves. We're pretty much all the way out of that. And that's fine. The lame thing may still be lame, but at least we know it's not us. It's them. But don't judge them. Everyone has their own things that cause them to act the way they act or do the things they do. The best thing is to understand what makes people do what they do and then slowly but surely things will be easier. I still barely understand people, but I think reading books will help me with that.

Well, it's 1:14AM and my head still hurts a bit. I think I'm done rambling for now. I don't think I'll even read this over.

All is good. Goodnight!
--Mia.

Problems in Receiving

It really concerns me that I have such a hard time receiving love when it is so easy for me to send it out. I feel like it's just my job to love and be there, but when someone does it back it really shocks me. It feels as though I am a ceiling fan and someone pointed a fan towards me to keep me cool. It just feels.. I want to say unorthodox, but weird feels better. Now it's not that I feel that I am undeserving of these...reciprocated actions and words. I know that I'm decent enough to get them,  but I think I've just lived by "treat others how you want to be treated" and got used to me being the only one doing any treating. Now the reciprocation is trickling in, but it feels like a waterfall. It's overwhelming because I feel like I know how to give, but not receive. Then I feel bad because I'm still trying to treat how they want to be treated but I don't think I really know how to treat in this situation! I don't know if it's because I do not have experience or if I'm just a hardened, old man who shows no emotion when someone hugs him. But the old man knows that it affected him. But the person doesn't know! Unless they feel it in their heart! But what if I make them not feel that feeling in their heart?  I'm having a reverse Whitney Houston moment -- How Will They Know That I Really Love Them? Do I just trust that I am cutting the mustard? Do they know? Oh I understand Whitney Houston so much now, just backwards. What do we do, Whitney?

Blind Dating

I think blind dates should be literal. Each person should be blindfolded. And to top it off, they should be hooked up to lie detectors. The lie detectors don't even have to be on, but the pressure of knowing you're hooked up to one should cut the mustard. Although it's a bit forceful, I think it could make people actually be honest and not as shallow. You'll actually feel whether you have a connection or not and see beyond their outer appearance. I think it would be really cool. Is it a TV show already? I think it should be one, but TV show producers always lie about things to make it more exciting. Maybe someone should have a blind dating lounge. I think it'd be a hit with some adventurous or desperate types. Maybe they could put some hidden cameras and mics somewhere too, that's how you'll get the raw blind date. It could be cute too, because you could pick up your video after you guys are married or engaged. It'd be like buying your picture after a ride at an amusement park. That'd be cool.

I wouldn't do it though. It's kind of scary to somewhat let someone see the inside rather than the outside we work so hard on. It's very raw. I think people depend on their outward appearance a little bit. They think, "okay, I'll knock 'em out with this outfit and my smile." But honest answers to questions and not seeing each other? It seems risky! It's easy for this plan to not work though because people can be shallow. What if they find this amazing person and when they take off the blindfold, the person is not too aesthetically pleasing? That would make the person choose between shallow things and a real connection. But I mean, you're not marrying the person. I think this blind date thing would only lead to another date or two. It'd be interesting. I want to witness it someday. I wouldn't participate though. Too intense.

Do You Think?

Do you think God is mad at how American culture has eliminated Sunday as being a day of rest? Americans finish school work all day on Sundays (me, oops) and still go to work sometimes. Do you think He is irritated? Do you think He's like, "I made this day a day of rest and you're just disregarding it and continuing to stress yourself out." Hmmm... but, God, I don't really like to work on Saturdays. I don't really like to work on Sundays either. Would you be happier if I rested on Sundays? Would I be happier?

Coffee

I feel like people are like coffee. It's hard to get a cup that's really perfect and it's even harder to duplicate it. This is why I don't trust Starbucks.

So. Shout out to all you wonderful cups of coffee who have just enough cream and sugar or are wonderfully bitter. Hot or iced, somebody loves you.